Fear: Why are you afraid?

It's been a while, but I'm back.  Today I want to talk about something near and dear to my heart.  Fear...This is a huge reason why people in bad relationships don't seek to have the marriage of their dreams.  I can remember being so quiet in my marriage, simply because I was afraid of making Brian upset or unhappy. I didn't even think about how miserable I was.  Boy was that a bad idea.  I don't care how long you hold your peace; you will boil over eventually.  I didn't realize at the time that there was a much deeper reason for my quietness.  I was afraid.  Afraid that he didn't love me as much as I loved him; afraid that I was willing to put more into this relationship than he was. What if Brian saw my flaws and didn't want me anymore?

There I was, this flawed person, trying to be a wife and a mother.  I knew nothing about being either.  I learned how to be a wife and a mother from television.  It was not modeled in a healthy way to me growing up.  I didn't know how to deal with the low self worth and low self esteem.  I didn't want to open up to this person I had married. I was his well put together, managing it all, wife.  Well, guess what. It all fell apart.  Eventually, in order for my marriage to work, I had to bare my soul to this person who I was so afraid would run to the hills early on if he knew who he had really married.  I was a scared little girl, who didn't have a loving father at home, a little girl who was molested several times as a child, a little girl who didn't think she was beautiful or valuable, a little girl who was lost in this world and had not yet found myself so how how could I allow someone else in.

When you say you love someone, what does that really mean?  How can I trust that you really love me when you say you do?  Is it because you buy me gifts... because you open my car door... because we have children together?  What keeps you from believing someone really loves you when they say they do?...FEAR. Think about your relationship with Christ. Logically, it makes no sense that someone we have never met would love us enough to die on the cross for or sin. It makes no sense. I'm so far from being worth dying for. Who would believe that? Yet, our faith allows us to believe that.

No, your spouse is not Christ, but think about your own relationship in that context.  Do you have faith that your spouse loves you the way he/she should?  Do you trust that your spouse really has your best interest at heart?  If your answer is no, then you are dealing with a level of fear in your relationship that is very damaging whether you know it or not.  If deep down you don't think this person loves you no matter what, you are settling for a mediocre marriage.  

I have a friend who confided in me some of the fears she has in her marriage. She doesn't see them as fears though.  She will not tell her husband her struggles both emotionally and physically.  She says it's because she's just not the type of person to just complain about her issues.  I think if she is honest with herself, she really doesn't share these problems with her husband because she doesn't really think he will be there for her the way she needs him if she does.  Rather than confronting that fear, she keeps it all inside.  Bad idea.  If this sounds similar to your own marriage, I'd submit to you that some conversations and possibly some counseling is needed. If you don't feel like you can confide in your spouse and get the support you need, where will you get your support?  You may deprive yourself of this support for a little while, but that get's old.  It can lead to all kinds of destruction in your marriage.  As you can see by some of my previous posts.

My husband and I decided a long time ago that we will love each other the way Christ says we are to love and that fear will have no place in our marriage.  I know he loves me. I know he values me. I know I mean the world to him. He's not perfect and neither am I.  Knowing that about each other, we choose to love one another.Going 13 years strong. It has not always been easy, but it's so worth it.  I'm living the marriage of my dreams. You can do the same.