Who are you?

I spent the first 8 years of my marriage attempting to be a devoted wife and mother.  Sounds pretty normal huh?  Well I was perfect at it. It was all that mattered to me. I cooked, cleaned and cared for my family the best I knew how.  I didn't even have friends that I could turn to when I needed a shoulder to cry on.  I didn't hang out.  I drove a minivan at he age of 22 for crying out loud. (not that there's anything wrong with owing a minivan).  My point is, I only thought about what I could do for others.  It was great...so I thought.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to do these things or being the best at it.  The problem was, in the course of doing what I thought was right, I completely forgot about myself.  You may be thinking, "well, that just means you're not being selfish". Wrong!!!  I was being totally selfish. 

After about 8 years, I began to realize I had forgotten all about myself.  I didn't know what I liked to do. I didn't know who I was.  I didn't know what God planned for my future.  I hadn't thought about it.  All I did was tend to my family.  I had lost my own autonomy in my marriage.  I didn't love myself.  And women, please don't fool yourselves into thinking that you can love your family if you don't even love yourself.  Because I placed myself on the back burner for so long, my marriage was slowly dying and I didn't even know it.  I was burnt out.  By the time I realized where this behavior had take my marriage, it was seemingly too late.

Brian and I never talked about or probably even thought about what the future would hold for us individually, what call God placed on our lives or even where our marriage would be in the future when the kids had gone on to live their own lives.   We were Christians at the time, but we were young in Christ and in age.  I felt lost, and alone.  Feeling alone in a marriage is the worst feeling you can imagine.  I made myself basically the servant of my family.  Eventually this lead to resentment and feeling like I was not appreciated.  Thus I ended up seeking this appreciation and attention outside of my marriage.  To this day and forever I will regret the things I did and allowed to happen that could have destroyed my marriage.  I thank God for opening my eyes and allowing me to see what was happening in my life; the destruction I had allowed to happen all because I was selfish enough to believe that I could love my family enough to fulfill my own individual needs and desires.

I still love my family. I still try to do everything I can for them.  But, I also have a life of my own.  I have friends and I go on regular dates with my boo.  I also allow him to spoil me.  I love me some me.  It makes me so sad to see friends who remind me of the woman I once was.  Family is important, but you can't love them if you don't love yourself.  Find out who you are and don't lose your autonomy in your marriage.

EM