Talk about What?

What do you talk about when you go on a date with your spouse?  Most of us were too googly eyed before marriage to think about the fact that there were things that occurred in your girlfriend/boyfriend's life before you came along.  We were too focused on looking good, having good smelling breath and being wrinkle free (maybe that was just me).  We focus on things like, what the man/woman is "bringing to the table" so to speak, but not really.  Do you really know the person you just promised to be with; forever, in good times and bad.  Trust me, it's the bad times that really count.

So after marriage, when you hear someone say "go on a date and just talk", you think to yourself 'talk about what'.  You think you already know everything there is to know about them.  I brush my teeth beside this person and I poop with them in the next room.  What do we have to learn about one another? A lot!  After being married almost 17 years, I think Brian and I are still learning new things about one another at least on a weekly basis.  It's not mind blowing revelations, but its the small things that we can add to our bucket of intimacy.  Intimacy is the lovechild of love and friendship.

Conversation is how we find out whether or not we want to be friends with someone.  It's what determines whether or not we are willing to give someone a chance at getting to know us.  If you think about it, the people you end up feeling closest to are those who have shared details about their personal lives.  Even public speakers understand this.  They become much easier to listen to when they share a relate-able story with us.  So how much more does this concept work with your spouse.  It's going to feel awkward at first, but your bucket of intimacy will begin to fill and you will begin to feel closer than you ever thought possible, just by sharing details about yourself and listening to your spouse share theirs.  Here are some ideas or conversation starters for date night or anytime really:

What did you say you were gonna be when you grew up?
Who has had the most influence in your life?
What animal are you most afraid of?

Are you or have you ever been afraid of the dark?

What was your biggest fear about getting married?

What's been your biggest disappointment this far in our marriage?

Start small and then go deeper.  I could make this list so much longer, but this is just an idea of some conversation starters that will guarantee good quality conversation and getting to know your spouse in the process.  Happy Talking! 

Question?
ericatwalter@gmail.com

EM

Thoughts of the day

My husband and I will celebrate 16 years of marriage next week.  What will we be doing to celebrate you ask? Probably nothing.  Not because it's not important to us, but because we realize we don't need a holiday or any special day to make special memories.  My best memories are random days spent together, rainy Saturday Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit marathons, taking walks around the neighborhood or working in the yard together.  We are regular people who have a lot in common, but are nothing alike.  So like most regular people, we have issues that strain our marriage.

So far this year, the strain has been my job, his job, school, and the lack of free time.  Thankfully, he's graduated with his MBA now and I have less than a year before I will be done with my Masters in Counseling.  We've been super focused on our education in an effort to live our dreams in our dream jobs.  We want the best for our kids and don't want them to lack anything.  Lately, I've been questioning the necessity of the "American dream".  We own our home.  We each have decent jobs and drive decent cars. But at the end of the day, none of that matters.  All my children really want to know is that we will be there to cheer them on when they score; that we will be there to comfort them when they've had a bad day and to know that we want to be around them as much as they want to be around us.  So while I dream, I must consider my children.  Does that mean I can't dream or that I must put my dreams on hold? Definitely not.  It simply means my priorities must be considered in making decisions.  I was supposed to graduate in December of this year, and I could do it.  But, it would mean missing volleyball, and soccer games and band concerts or halftime shows.  Those are moments I can't get back if missed.

So going to school, working full time, interning and raising 4 kids is a full load.  But I also have my marriage to tend to.  I think that may be why those seemingly insignificant moments together are so special.  They are sometimes few and far between.  It makes fighting seem like a waste of time (even though we still do).  Tasking time to reflect on what's important has been good for me.  I'm slowing down and making an effort to do what I tell my clients. "Take one step at a time and live in this moment".

EM

Learning...Loving...Living

I'm learning that if I pay attention, God often teaches me lessons through my everyday life; whether it be through my children, my husband, my job...etc.  I've even learned some things while seeing clients.  I see a couple that reminds me a lot of my husband and I, so every now and then, I find myself learning as I teach them how to love one another.  Even though I've been married for over 15 years, I still have a lot to learn.  Sometimes I still want to punch him in the face, but most of the time I adore him.  If anyone ever tells you your marriage will be peachy everyday, lied to you.  One thing I tell my clients is that, we were never given a book on how to be married when we got engaged.  What to Expect When You say "YES", hasn't been written yet as far as I know.  Yes, there are plenty of good books out there that help with marriage, but you never really know until you walk through it.  You should never say what you would never do until that situation has been presented to you.

I was a foolish woman once and some might argue that I still am.  This marriage thing has been some kind of roller coaster ride.  Sometimes fun and other times down right terrifying.  One day my husband told me he was not going to sleep on the couch after we had a fight.  That really really made me mad, but it really taught me a lesson that I will never forget.  I had to ask myself a question; Where was I getting my ideas about how a marriage operates.  I think I've mentioned before that when I was growing up, the only thing I knew for sure I wanted to be was a wife and a mom.  It definitely wasn't because I had such a great home life or role models of the two.  I watched TV and wanted what I saw on Family Matters, Full House, The Cosby Show...etc.  Those shows were great examples of how a family should be, even though some of the scenarios were very unrealistic.  Even still, they portrayed myths about marriage and how a relationship should be between a husband and wife.  You often times see men being referred to as "in the dog house", or sleeping on the couch.  The men were often times, foolish, clumsy and sometimes just plain stupid.  The wife was portrayed as the smartest out of the two.  Sometimes they came together when parenting and other times they didn't.  Even though the couples they portrayed seemed happy, I never gathered that they were a partnership, with The Cosby Show being the exception.  In a partnership there is give and take so that everyone is placed in a "win win" position and no one is ever the odd man out.

Where are you getting your ideas about how a marriage should be? If your husband made you mad, would you put him on the couch? If so, why?...I'll wait.  Is it because it's what you think you should do? Is it because that's what people do?  When my husband refused to go sleep on the couch, I didn't know it then and he didn't either, but he set us both up in a "win win" situation.  I was mad, but I got over it and so did he.  Because we were forced to be in close proximity with one another, we were forced to work out the issue.  When you are placed in a difficult situation, you gather your thoughts and try to keep your cool so that you make good decisions.  Well, that's what we did.  He's not stupid and I wasn't made to rule over him, so why is marriage portrayed that way on television?  We are one.  It doesn't mean things will be perfect, but God has given us a divine word on how a marriage should be.

One more thing.  Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conversation that turned into a husband/wife bashing meeting?  What do you say?  The crazy thing is that the easiest thing to do is join in and bash your spouse as well.  That's absolutely nuts right?  It's so common now for people to think that there is no such thing as a happy marriage, that it has now become the norm.  You feel like your friends will look at you funny if you say something nice or don't bash your spouse.  Truth is, they probably would.  Then one of two things will happen: awkward silence, or awkward laughter in disbelief that you could have a happy marriage.  This is especially hard if you did have a bad marriage and now it's better or even really great.  Just like putting your husband on the couch, spouse bashing is not a good idea.  It's such a betrayal of the love you promised.  But, it's common because we just don't follow the model God gave us.

This may not help anyone, but it sure was a lesson learned for me.  I'm grateful for those lessons.  They make my marriage better and stronger.  The enemy tries to seep into the things of God daily.  Marriage is of God.  You better believe the enemy wants your marriage abolished.

Marriage is a great picture of our relationship with Christ.  It is the best place to learn what unconditional love is.  That's what those vows represent, unconditional love.

Col 3:14 ESV And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Start with LOVE and then learn to live.

EM...

Happy 13th Birthday to my daughter, Arianna. She asked me to give a shout out to her on my blog tonight. :-)  That's her on the left.

A little something different...Present day marriage

I've been having a really hard time lately in my marriage.  I've been so busy lately my marriage is suffering.  I've talked about just going through the motions before and lately, that's what my life has consisted of.  Going to school, working, getting the kids off to their activities; all with "I love yous" and kissing on the go.  We haven't been taking the time to invest in one another or the marriage.  This is a problem for me.  My husband is not the type of person who likes to talk about things and I like to talk things out.  I like to have closure. When I do talk things out, I tend to go overboard in my thinking and talking.  I'm the type of person that needs more than just an "I'm sorry".  I'm a feeler and I need to know you understand me.  Since my husband is the total opposite of me, sometimes we have a hard time getting on the same page.  Sometimes we just give in to one another just to feel like we're getting somewhere.  Ever done that?

I know this season in my life will pass, but how much damage to my marriage will occur before then.  Solution? No seriously, what's the solution.  I'm too close to quit grad school. I'm not getting divorced. I won't make my children suffer just because I'm busy. And I can't quit my job because it helps support m family financially. I'm pulling my hair out over here.  God has made me strong enough to get through this, but I don't to just get through it.  I want to come out on top of it all.  Is that possible?  I recognize the effect this business is having on my life and I am very aware of the consequences of letting my relationship with my husband fall through the cracks.  This is also making me very emotional for some reason.  God has blessed me with a very good husband and I'd like to be a good wife.  I will keep my head up and keep in trucking through.  I recognize the effects, so now it's time to work extra hard at making sure that my love, motives and actions are effective.  Oh the pressure.

Recently I traveled to Denver for work. The night before my husband and I had a not so good night and I didn't leave on very good terms. I met a guy on the plane.  He automatically began telling me jokes.  I laughed, even though all I wanted to do was go to sleep. They were funny jokes, but I was a little annoyed just because I wasn't in a very good mood.  At one point I really thought this was going to turn into him flirting with me, but boy was I wrong.  He began to tell me why he likes jokes.  He had a pretty rough life after he got married.  He told me "I've been married twice, but never divorced".  I was confused.  He began to me tell an amazing story. "Have you ever seen The Vow?"  Now, just like I thought, I know you're thinking, this isn't serious.  He went on to tell me about his wife.  She had a seizure a few years after they got married and on his birthday.  She was taken to the hospital and later diagnosed with an irreversible brain injury.  A brain injury that had caused her to lose her memory of who she was.  So of course she didn't know who her husband was.  At the time their daughter was bout 3 years old.  She didn't even know she was a mother and quite frankly found it hard to believe.

I won't share the entire story because it's not the point.  She recovered, but never fully.  They got married again a few years after the accident and she was a completely different person.  He began to share with me how many people suggested he divorce his wife since she wasn't the same person anymore.  He refused and thought the idea was just preposterous.  "In sickness and in health" is the vow he made and he was determined to stand by it.  Since I was already in a very emotional state, the story brought tears to my eyes.  It was so reminiscent of the struggles I went through with my own marriage.  So many people told me to just leave.  I'm so glad I didn't listen.  As was the man I met on the plane, that he didn't leave his wife.  He enjoys sharing his story of the restoration God can bring if you're willing to hang in there.

I told him God has a serious since of humor and very good timing.  His story really made me reflect on my own marriage and made me very grateful for what we have overcome.  I shared the fact that my husband and I were going through some things.  I thought we'd been through enough and really was not prepared to feel like my marriage was heading in the wrong direction.  He looked at me as if he was thinking, you poor naive child.  He said when you go through something and you are triumphant, that opens the door for more things to come.  There will always be something for you to overcome.  The enemy knows you're triumphant and he will keep coming back for more.  It will never be over.  I wish I could remember everything he said, but I've slept since then.

Divorce is still not an option.  Satan is busy, so I have to be busier.

~Thank you Hal Walker for sharing your story and your wisdom.



EM

Cheating

Far too many of us have had to deal with this word in one way or another.  It plagued my life for a long time.  I don't think many of us understand the impact infidelity has on a person's heart and mind.  When a person cheats, they rob you of your will to even live sometimes.  It can be that devastating.  It makes you question your self worth, your ability to love, your ability to receive love and even your very existence.

I've been on both ends of the spectrum as the cheater and the cheated.  I know the toll infidelity can have on a marriage.  The situations vary for us all.  I'd say in some cases, infidelity is understood, but that doesn't make it right.  The minute the enemy allows you to think on it and justify it in your mind, you're a goner. 

I'm not happy about the fact that mu husband and I were unfaithful to one another at one point or another in our marriage.  I can say though that it helped me understand the love of God and how forgiveness really works.  When you're low enough in your life to justify cheating, you're very far from God.  Even still, He will welcome you with open arms and embrace you as if you never strayed.  Was it easy for my husband to do that when I strayed? HECK NO!  Was it easy for me? Double HECK NO!  But we realized before we could get back to each other, we had to get back to God.  If you can't accept His love and forgiveness, it's hard to accept others' or to give true forgiveness.

I share these things in hopes that it will help someone out there who may be struggling with this.  It's  hard and it hurts so so so bad when your spouse is unfaithful.  It will take a while, but this too shall pass.  Nothing is too hard for my God.  He can heal the worst of all broken hearts; even when pieces appear to be missing.

EM

The Cancerous Tumor

Tolerance is the big deal in today's culture.  We say "it's ok" to everything.  It's ok that you are gay. It's ok if you want to have an abortion. It's ok to kill someone on on death row because you can't fathom why they did this awful thing.  It's ok if you beat that girl up and posted a video on you tube for all to see.  It's ok for you to smoke weed in the house with your babies. It's natural.

Tolerance is not a bad thing.  We as a people just take it way too far; just as we do intolerance.  It's not tolerated for me as a Christian to say what I believe in a public setting.  That's what the world is coming to.  That's how keen the enemy is to our culture.  He will take what he needs and use it against anyone who believes in the word of God.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for free speech.  The problem I have is that it's getting less and less tolerant to be a free speaking Christian these days.  It's almost like we are becoming the enemy.  Correction; we are the enemy.  The enemy against what this nation is allowing to go on right under our noses.  The more intolerant they grow of hearing what we have to say, the lower our voices get when we do speak out.

A true Christian knows it's not about your sexual preference.  It's not about whether you're black, white, Asian, Hispanic, or any other ethnicity.  It's about your heart and your relationship with God.  It is He who gives us the desires of our hearts; not what our hearts desire.  We are wretched, evil and vile.  We are born with a soggy, smug, envious, and selfish heart.  Therefore our desires are selfish.  Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.  What kind of speaking did you do before you knew Christ?  It was all about you and what you wanted, right? 

I'm not getting on my soap box to fix the world as far as the issue of tolerance and intolerance as a whole, but the tolerance we have allowed when it comes to our marriages. Divorce is like a cancerous tumor spreading all over the body of Christ and we are getting to the point where it's normal.   I know where you think I'm going with this, but more than likely you're wrong. :)  We have sat by idly way too long as our brothers and sister in Christ have struggled with their marriages. They are suffering while we sit back and judge with our stares of holier than thou smug grins on our faces.  We say things like, "I'll pray for you" or "things will get better", then we go behind their backs and talk about what they should've done, what they did wrong, and about how things will likely be after they get divorced.  Shame on us!  Yes, us.  I'm guilty of this too.  When God gave me a revelation about how a marriage should be, I felt bamboozled by every Christian wife I had ever met prior to getting married.  I will never forget what my best friend, Temeka said, "We are accountable for each other's marriage."  I had never thought of it that way, but we really are.  Therefore, she checks me when I need it and I do the same for her.  We are the same way with our other close friends.  Only when you let someone in, though can they give you the guidance, support or swift words of correction when you need it.  Think about it this way, when a person is needing help from the salvation army, the government or any other charitable entity, they make you show proof that you are indeed need of help, right?  They get all in your business and you do no care.  "How many check stubs do you need?" That's all you wanna know.  Well, shouldn't it be the same way when your marriage is in trouble.  We have to be the people anyone can come to and share what's going on in their lives so we can help them.

Mostly the problem is that we are way too prideful to share our downfalls.  But, just like when you became a Christian, you didn't fully understand what it meant; when you got married, you didn't fully understand what that meant either.  You studied the word because you wanted to be a good Christian.  You didn't want to fail so you did what it took to stay in you walk with God.  The same principle applies to marriage.  It takes some studying, long nights, talks with God and your husband and a patience you never thought you were capable of.  I don't care how long you dated before getting married, you never truly get to know someone until after you get married.  It's easy to date or be a girlfriend.  You're able to hide seemingly unapproved or those not so pleasing aspects of your life then.  When you get married, it's a little harder.

To have a successful marriage, you must have a most intimate relationship.  I don't mean sexual, although that's a huge part of it.  I didn't realize what true intimacy was until I prayed with my husband for the the very first time.  This was 10 years into our marriage and 14 years into our relationship all together.  I really hate that it took that long to be able to feel that intimacy.  It's like nothing I've ever felt before. Your marriage is so important to God.  He doesn't want it to fail and neither do I.

Marriage is about so much more that the "American Dream".  It's so precious and so important to our families, communities, and this nation.  We must be INTOLERANT of failed marriages in the body of Christ.  If you know your friend or neighbor is struggling, do something about it.  If you don't know how to help them, send them to someone who does.  Everyday Marriage is about counseling marriages, getting couples the resources they need to have a healthy marriage and family and helping others to understand the importance of healthy, Godly marriages.  This is so important.  We can't make an impact though unless others get on this ride and spread the word about how important marriage is and how important it is to God.

"God gives certain individuals a "spike" in human experience, not so they can merely gather people around themselves to minister to them, but that they would be positioned with favor to equip the saints, so that their "high point" becomes the new norm"

--Bill Johnson                    

EM

Brian and I as teenagers.

Who's #1?

Hello all. It's been a minute, but I'm back.  Today I'd like to address women who are in a 2nd, 3rd...etc marriage or about to enter in one.  If you have children, this can be a hard transition for the whole family.  Let me help you make it a little easier.  I know that most women think making their kids the first priority in their lives is the noble and right thing to do, but when you get married, it's not.  I'm sure I just lost half of my viewing audience after saying that.

Even people in their first marriage sometimes think this way.  I'm addressing women, but this message is for men as well.  When you enter into a relationship with someone, you become one.  The correct order of things is God, your spouse, your children and then everyone else; even if you had the children first.  When you marry someone, you're saying I choose to share my life with you and we are one.  Putting your children before your spouse will keep turmoil present in your family.

You and your spouse should work together as one when it comes to how the children will be raised.  Discipline is a touchy subject when it comes to inviting someone into you and your kid's lives.  If you are one, you should be one in every aspect of your lives.  If you have a child centered home, your spouse will soon feel neglected, abandoned and unloved.  Don't allow your children to determine how your family operates.  If you give your child that much power, they will use and abuse it to the best of their ability. Your child/stepchild should know from the very beginning that both parents love him/her the same and will not allow him/her to put the parents against each other.  Kids grow up and move on with their lives.  If you have a child centered home, when they leave, you and your spouse have nothing left.

It is hard to think that someone else can love our child as much as you do, but it can be done.  Allow your spouse/the step parent to assert their authority, show their love, and develop a happy and healthy relationship with your children.  It can be hard, especially if you have been in a difficult relationship in the past.  Don't rely on your children to fill a space that only God or your spouse can fill.  Keep each in their correct place.  Marriage is hard all by itself. When you add children to the mix, it's an uphill battle for sure.  You can do it though.  I am in no way saying that you should allow your new spouse to mistreat your children while you stand idly by doing nothing.  I'm saying your spouse should love your children just as you do.  If he/she cares for you, then they will want to care for your children.  They will want what's best for the whole family. I have seen what happens when people put their children before their spouse or try to put them on an even playing field.  It doesn't end pretty.  But, I've also seen people who come together with their children and live happy and fulfilled lives.  There is a delicate balance, but if you remember to keep God first, everything else is easier than it seems.

EM